How My Desi Family Planted the Seeds of Triathlon
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Monthly Archives: March 2012
Can Your Big Fat Desi Family Save Your Kid From Bullies?
When you were growing up, did you ever feel embarrassed that your big, fat Desi family went with you everywhere?
You’d see other kids being picked up by just mom or just dad, but you’d be picked up by a van full of relatives, most of them wearing saris or other Desi clothes. Or at a school play, everyone else would have one or two seats for their family, and you’d have two full rows of family jabbering away in Gujarati and sharing theplas during intermission.
You’d see other kids being picked up by just mom or just dad, but you’d be picked up by a van full of relatives, most of them wearing saris or other Desi clothes. Or at a school play, everyone else would have one or two seats for their family, and you’d have two full rows of family jabbering away in Gujarati and sharing theplas during intermission.
Did you ever get picked on for this? Did people ask you, “Who are all those people?” or “Why do you have so many people in your family?”
If you were bullied like I was, even if you were proud of your culture, you did everything you could to hide the things that could make you a target of bullying.
So it may surprise you that big, fat Desi families can actually be a defense against bullies.
Check out this story from multimillionaire Gurbaksh Chahal — turns out he was bullied too, but his grandmother helped him through it. He describes bullies knocking his turban off his head as early as age 5 (I hate that bullies start so young). Over time, the bullies got even rougher. In high school, he channeled his energy into building his company, which he sold for $40 million at the age of 16. One thing that always helped him was his grandmother encouraging him and telling him he was a good person.
Another friend of mine, also a bully victim, said that when other kids told her how much they hated her, she’d think of how much her grandparents and parents loved her. That thought helped her fight the cruel words of her peers.
Even when I was a bully victim, I’d look forward to going home at the end of the day, knowing that I’d be surrounded by people who loved me. We weren’t a perfect family, but we loved each other. I remember one particular pep talk I had to give myself when I returned to school after a long weekend. I’d spent it with family and friends, and I remember telling myself it would be hard to leave that cocoon of love to go back into the world of bullies at school. And it was.
Being surrounded by love in Desi extended families insulates kids against the cruelty of bullies. When we’re faced with hard times, we remember the affection of grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins, and our burdens are lightened somewhat.
A lot of times I talk about Desi attitudes that limit us, but this is one of the many, many positive contributions that Desi culture makes to our lives.
How did your Desi family affect your life? Did you go through anything similar?
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Desis Don’t Buy It (But Should They?): Lactation Consultants
Desis Don’t Buy It (But Should They?) is a series on things that South Asians traditionally don’t “buy.” If you can imagine your parents (or someone their age) saying, “waste of money,” “it’s all in your head” or something like that, it’s probably fair game for Desis Don’t Buy It (But Should They?). In this series, I’ll be exploring the issue and weighing in on whether Desis should buy it. If you have ideas for this series, please comment on the I Am Moms Blog Facebook page. Your idea could be featured next!
Desis Don’t Buy Lactation Consultants
Lactation consultant? Sounds like a fancy name for a made-up profession.
Ok, I’ll admit, even I thought lactation consultants were bogus before I got pregnant. I’d seen my Desi family and friends breastfeed, and they didn’t need any fancy consultants.
There’s a word in Gujarati, nakhra, which is hard to translate, but implies high-maintenance behavior. Lactation consultants would be considered “American” nakhra by most Desis.
My Experience
During my pregnancy, I learned all I could about breastfeeding. Turns out that a lot of things could go wrong. Some moms told me that they wanted to breastfeed, but their milk never came in. Some babies wouldn’t latch (connect to the breast). Some moms found it too painful. So I kept a couple of breastfeeding books on hand to use as references around the time of my delivery and promised myself I’d breastfeed no matter what.
I delivered Indian American Baby (we will revert to that name for this story) and began breastfeeding soon after.
The first night home from the hospital, Indian American Baby cried all night unless someone was holding him. He’d been the same way the night before, in the hospital. Back at home, my parents, Indian American Dad, and I took turns rocking and singing to him. I’d breastfed him, and his diapers were normal. We couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t stop crying. And it was this awful, high-pitched cry that I’d never heard before, even though I’ve been around lots of babies over the years.
At Indian American Baby’s first pediatrician’s appointment the next day (at 4 days old), the pediatrician told us that he had lost more weight than he should have. The pediatrician advised us to supplement with formula — 1 to 3 ounces after every time we breastfed. I asked if I could supplement with pumped breastmilk, and the pediatrician said yes.
Because of my anti-formula stance during my pregnancy, we hadn’t bought any bottles, nipples, or formula. Luckily (or so I thought) my breastpump came with a couple of bottles and 1 nipple. And a formula company had enclosed a sample of formula in a freebie gift bag from the hospital. At the time I’d sneered at it — I didn’t plan to use that junk.
(By the way, that was unrealistic-new-mom-me thinking. I’ve breastfed for the past year but supplemented with formula on and off. After I stopped pumping at work last month, we’ve been using formula exclusively at daycare. We breastfeed when we are at home. I now think formula is a helpful tool for breastfeeding moms when used appropriately. I also think that some moms aren’t able to breastfeed despite their best efforts or have other reasons for not breastfeeding, and formula is a necessary second choice.)
We started supplementing with formula and expressed (pumped) breastmilk. Indian American Baby was a new baby. Gone was the awful, high-pitched cry. Mom guilt punched me in the gut. My sweet baby had been crying all that time because he was hungry! Turns out my milk supply was low. I built it up by eating these foods.
Still, Indian American Baby loved the bottle. Turns out the nipple included with my breastpump was a fast-flow nipple, meaning that the milk would shoot out quickly with barely a little suck. When a baby breastfeeds, he or she has to suck for a little while before any milk comes out. That’s why if you give a newborn a bottle too early (before, say 4 to 6 weeks), it will interfere with breastfeeding.
Pretty soon, Indian American Baby refused to breastfeed, opting for the lower effort bottle instead. I’d hold him to the breast but he’d just shake his head around and cry. He didn’t get why the milk wouldn’t just shoot out like it did with the bottle. So I had to pump round the clock. It was hard to fit this in while caring for a baby and trying to recover. I’d get in a max of 5 pumping sessions rather than the 8-12 that is recommended. Because I wasn’t emptying the breasts often enough and was increasing my milk production by eating certain foods, I got a breast infection called mastitis. Body ache, chills, and exhaustion hit me like a speeding train. That’s on top of the delirium from being up around the clock with the baby.
My friends who had breastfed recommended I see a lactation consultant to get Indian American Baby back to breastfeeding. My mom thought I should just hold him to the breast and let him cry until he breastfed. I didn’t like either option.
I’d read everything I could online and didn’t know what a lactation consultant would add. Out of sheer desperation, I went to a lactation consultant.
In the waiting area at the lactation consultant’s office, my mom chatted with another Guju woman her age. The conversation was something to the effect of, “Kids these days. They don’t want to do it the old-fashioned way — we just let the babies cry until they behaved.” I knew they thought the lactation consultant was nakhra.
THE LACTATION CONSULTANT WAS A MIRACLE WORKER!
First, the lactation consultant asked me about my frustrations to gauge how much work I was willing to put in to get Indian American Baby back to the breast. Her advice would depend on my response.
The lactation consultant weighed Indian American Baby. She checked his mouth for a tongue-tie and checked his sucking reflex (both can affect breastfeeding). Then she had us do skin-to-skin. After that she showed me a technique to get Indian American Baby back on the breast again; we used a nipple shield and filled the reservoir with expressed breastmilk or formula using a baby feeding syringe (not a sharp one). With that contraption on me, Indian American baby got an immediate milk payoff, and he was happy to keep sucking. That in turn let the breastmilk flow out. For the first time in DAYS (an eternity in newborn-land), Indian American Baby breastfed.
After the feed, the lactation consultant weighed Indian American Baby, so we knew how much milk he had taken in! This was amazing because Indian American Dad and I had gotten into a couple of shouting matches over the quantity Indian American Baby had been taking in. After learning that Indian American Baby initially didn’t get enough milk, Indian American Dad didn’t want to take any chances, while I wanted to breastfeed as much as possible (and as I told Indian American Dad, breasts don’t have meters on them that will tell you what their output is!).
Finally, the lactation consultant gave me a plan for building Indian American Baby’s breastfeeding ability. I was to gradually increase the time Indian American Baby breastfed while gradually decreasing pumping. She even gave me a schedule (the Type A in me loved it).
The lactation consultant sold me the baby feeding syringe, nipple shield, and some slow-flow nipples for the bottles we already had. Everything was reasonably priced and, in my opinion, necessary.
All in all, it was an excellent experience.
After the appointment, we continued using the nipple shield + milk in the reservoir technique for a week, then went down to using just the shield. Eventually, I weaned him off that too. We struggled with a painful latch for about a week.
But by 6 weeks of age, Indian American Baby was breastfeeding like a pro. Well, like a pro baby.
Should Desis Buy It?
DEFINITELY! The lactation consultant was extremely knowledgeable and taught me techniques that I had never come across in all my online research. She was able to answer the question of how much Indian American Baby was getting at a feed–a key battle between Indian American Dad and me. Knowing this helped Indian American Dad be more supportive of breastfeeding.
I don’t recall the exact costs, but I believe I paid about $150 out of pocket. My insurance company did not have an in-network lactation consultant. This was more than worth it when I considered the health benefits of breastfeeding and the cost of formula had we switched to formula exclusively.
One caveat, you have to go to someone who is good and preferably who is IBCLC-certified. Some people call themselves lactation consultants, but the IBCLC certified ones have passed through stringent licensing requirements. Once again, my advice is to get a referral while you’re still pregnant so you don’t have to do any additional research once baby is born.
Finally, your instinct may be to just rely on your pediatrician. Unfortunately, most of them aren’t given much training beyond just being taught that “breast is best.” Lactation consultants know much more about the hows and whys of breastfeeding than a pediatrician does and are an essential part of the mother-baby breastfeeding relationship.
Resources
In the DC area, I highly recommend my IBCLC-certified lactation consultant, Pat Shelly of the Breastfeeding Center for Greater DC. She also runs free breastfeeding classes for pregnant women and moms. The Virginia Hospital Center also has 3 wonderful and free support groups led by IBCLC-certified lactation consultant Susan Howard. Both groups give you access to a free scale where you can weigh your baby before and after a feed. The VHC support groups are enhanced by their listserv, where I have gotten answers to numerous baby and breastfeeding questions AND lots of encouragement. La Leche League also has local breastfeeding support groups (check out the website to find one in your area) where you can get free advice and mentoring.
I was afraid of taking my formula bottles when I went to these groups, because in my mind, the world was divided into formula moms and breastfeeding moms. If you were one, you disliked the other and how dare I bring the F-word into a breastfeeding group. I couldn’t have been more wrong. All of the groups I went to were full of women who had similar breastfeeding struggles to me, and MANY supplemented with formula.
Online, check out Kelly Mom, and La Leche League. You can also read Lactivist in Louboutins by the lactating and fabulous Desi mom Naya. In this post, Naya provides even more online resources.
What say you? Did you have any breastfeeding challenges? Do you have any other ideas for the Desis Don’t Buy It (But Should They?) series? Please comment!
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Tiger Moms? Dolphin Moms? Baguette Moms? Try Human Moms.
Didn’t You Know? Nonhumans Make the Best Moms.
By now, most of us have heard of the Tiger Mom. I’ve also read about the Dolphin Mom. And recently there was Baguette Mom. So many opinions on what nonhuman is the best kind of mom, and we overachieving Desis hang on every word because we want to make sure we’re doing things the best way.
“Your Best Isn’t Good Enough!” Declares Mom Guilt
Of all the things that I do in my life, the most important is being a good mom to Indian American Toddler. These mom advice books get so much attention because most moms feel this way. It’s the same urge that leads us to ask, “Did little Santosh finish building an artificial heart from popsicle sticks and gum?” and “Are you excited for little Shanti’s Spanish immersion program in Costa Rica? That will get her all set up to start kindergarten on the right foot,” all the while wondering if we’re doing something wrong when we decide we’re not signing our kids up for swimming class because we can’t take one more activity on top of work, daycare, dinners, and social obligations. Ok, that last part is just me.
Yes, we’re not putting Indian American Toddler in swimming classes yet, and yes, I wonder if he’s going to fall behind because of it. I mean how is Indian American Toddler going to get into Harvard and become a neurosurgeon if he is not building up his extracurricular activities portfolio now? Not to mention, what if he were going to be the next Michael Phelps, and he just lost that opportunity because we didn’t put him into swimming early enough? Guess I’m just not good enough…
Stop the Madness! We Moms Have It Hard.
All that madness is why I liked this Washington Post article. It reminds us that as American parents, we’re up against a lot of odds and that doing our best is probably good enough. It also urges us to shift our expectations from raising high-achieving kids to raising happy kids.
Here are some interesting facts from the article. Did you know that:
- On average, American parents spend more time with their children than parents in other developed countries?
- American mothers who work outside the home today (who make up 3/4 of moms) spend more time with their kids than the housewives of the 1960s?
- France (of Baguette moms) has paid parental leave and government-subsidized childcare?
- The United States is 1 of only 3 countries in the world with no federal paid parental leave policy? (this one’s hard for me to believe, but the article says it’s true)
- Childcare is a significant part of American working parents’ budgets, behind only the mortgage or rent?
This quote was particularly telling:
“American parenting is child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labor-intensive, financially expensive and is expected to be done by mothers alone. And it is impossible to do alone,” said Sharon Hays, a sociologist at the University of Southern California. “The mothering you see today in America is culturally and historically unprecedented. We expect selfless devotion to what we interpret as the child’s needs, wants and interests at every moment of the day. And with the vast majority of mothers working, that puts them in an impossible paradox.”
What It All Means for Desi Moms
We are part of a culture where we were pushed to achieve the best grades so we could get into the best colleges and have the best careers. We’re also part of a culture where mothers must be self-sacrificing and do anything and everything to give their children the best. AND HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT THOSE TWO THINGS COLLIDE?
How can you be the kind of person who wants to achieve great heights with her career and also give EVERYTHING to their children? It’s impossible.
But what about the stay at home moms? I mean, their whole job is to stay at home and nurture their kids. Surely THEY can ferry the kids around to lessons, plan stimulating activities, limit TV time, entertain out of town visitors at a moment’s notice, and also have dinner on the table at the end of the day. After all, my mom did it.
HAVE YOU EVER STAYED HOME ALL DAY WITH YOUNG CHILDREN? You barely have time to go to the bathroom, between feeding the kids, bathing them, and watching them like a hawk to make sure something like this doesn’t happen (Ok, even if you’re not a stay at home mom, check out that link to Shit My Kids Ruined — a hilarious collection of epic messes courtesy of little ones).
SO IT’S NOT POSSIBLE TO DO AND BE EVERYTHING. What a concept!
By now you’re thinking, But Indian American Mom, isn’t I Am Moms for the moms who want it all?
Yes, it is. But a big part of having it all is realizing that you can’t truly have it all. You have to prioritize and give yourself a break! We can’t literally give EVERYTHING to our children, but we can do our best to be the best moms we can.
After all, we’re not tigers, dolphins, or baguettes. We’re human.
What ways do you feel pressured to do more for your kids? Why? How do you deal with it?
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Quick Weeknight Meals: Tap Out Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup
For working parents, getting weeknight meals on the table is a big challenge. Between commuting, caring for children, homework, and bedtimes, there is little time to prepare a meal. The Quick Weeknight Meals series aims to help solve this problem so we can eat at home, healthfully and frugally.
Last week was a bad week for home cooking. It all started when we procrastinated on grocery shopping. Usually we do this on Sunday afternoon so we can be all set up with our fresh fruits and veggies and other healthy staples (and ice cream) for the week. But neither of us felt like grocery shopping, so we said we’d do it in the evening, and then we didn’t do it in the evening, and before you know it, we ended up starting the week with no healthy staples. That’s a recipe for dinnertime disaster.
During the week, I’d come home from work and think of something to make. Then I’d realize that we were missing a key ingredient. Then I’d think of something else. And we were missing ingredients for that.
All this thinking and thwarting was made even worse by the fact that I’d be hungry and tired from getting back from work, and Indian American Toddler was whining or getting into something he shouldn’t have been. No, no honey, we don’t eat dry onion skins off the floor.
It was so frustrating, and we’d feel like giving in and just ordering takeout (confession: we did just that on Thursday).
One night we made “Tap Out” Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup. I thought I’d share the recipe, because we all need some go-to “tap out” meals.
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| It looks like this is a tap out move. Anyway, wouldn’t you rather eat grilled cheese than do this? |
What’s “tap out?” Tapping out, in mixed martial arts means you are stuck and you surrender to your opponent. You “tap out” by tapping the opponent 3 times with your hand. How do I know this? Indian American Dad is a UFC fan (UFC is probably the most well-known mixed martial arts organization). I’ve watched lots of fights — and the reality TV show that goes along with them.
Anyway, “tap out” means, we can’t do anything else. We give up, and we’ll make this really simple meal tonight. Read on to find out how to make “Tap Out” Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup.
Ingredients:
8 pieces of bread
4 slices of lowfat cheese
Vegetable oil
Optional: butter, 1/2 diced onion, 4 thin slices of apple
Can or container of readymade tomato soup
Directions:
Heat a nonstick pan to medium high. Pour about a teaspoon of oil on the grill (you can use more or less if you want or substitute butter). Meanwhile, butter your slices of bread (optional).
While the grill is heating, heat the soup in a saucepan.
Once the pan is hot, place your slices of bread butter side down onto the pan. Place 1 slice of lowfat cheese on one of the pieces of bread. Cover with the pan lid. After a few minutes, lift bread without cheese to see whether it is browned. If it’s browned and the cheese is melted, then take the bread out and assemble your sandwich.
If you are feeling ambitious, you can grill some diced onion and the apple slice and throw those on your sandwiches. But don’t push yourself. This is “Tap Out” Grilled Cheese and Soup, after all.
To make this diabetic-friendly, use only 1 slice of bread to make it an open-faced sandwich, and substitute readymade lentil soup for the tomato soup.
Indian American Dad and I like to eat 2 sandwiches each and dip them in the soup as we eat them.
Do you have any “tap out” meals? Please share in the comments. Indian American Dad and I need more ideas!
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Dharun Ravi Convicted, and I’m Conflicted
I remember when the story of Tyler’s Clementi’s suicide broke. I was heartbroken that a young person had committed suicide after being bullied.
Learning that a kid is being bullied makes me hurt inside.
I was bullied throughout grade school and junior high school. For 7 years, I didn’t have a single friend at school. I’d had a Coke poured over my head, had an orange pushed onto my back, had spent most recesses alone, and had been called countless names (one which is still so painful to recall that I can’t share it with Indian American Dad, though he’s asked). In science class, I’d hope for assigned lab partners so I didn’t have to deal with the humiliation of watching everyone else desperately pair up so they wouldn’t have to be my partner.
I didn’t tell my parents about any of the bullying. I was ashamed because I thought it meant that was something wrong with me. And I couldn’t let my parents know that.
So my heart aches for all the kids out there who are bullied. I know how painful it is.
But every day, when I was picked up from school, I could leave that awful world behind.
It must be even worse for bullied kids today. When they go home, their Facebook and Twitter accounts might let fresh pain in, every time they hit refresh.
When I read about Tyler’s suicide, I also thought, “Those horrible bullies. I can’t believe they would do that to someone.”
Then I learned that one of the bullies was Indian.
Last Friday, a jury convicted 20 year old Dharun Ravi, an Indian man, of a hate crime in connection with Tyler’s suicide. Tyler committed suicide shortly after he learned that Dharun had used a webcam to record him being intimate with another man; Dharun had also invited friends to watch. Dharun texted Tyler to apologize, but at that point, Tyler was already jumping off a bridge. Now Dharun faces up to a 10 year prison sentence and possible deportation. Here’s a link to a New York Times story on the trial.
When you’re a parent and you hear about something bad happening to a young person, you immediately hope that nothing like that ever happens to your kid. The weird thing about this case is that I feel that way both about the victim and the convicted criminal. Tyler was a young man at a very sensitive point in his life — away from home and exploring same-sex relationships as an adult. Dharun was a kid who did something cruel that caused unintended consequences.
It’s strange for me to identify with a convicted criminal. But when he’s Indian, I don’t know how I could not. You know the kinship of Indians. Even when we don’t know each other, we’re always connected. It’s the nod at the Indian couple you see at the grocery store. It’s the searching for Indian names on a magazine masthead. It’s feels like we have 2 degrees of separation rather than the usual 6. Someone you meet is always someone else’s neighbor from India or cousin’s college roommate or family friend’s raas team member. Plus, remember how I said I always get excited when I learn someone important could possibly be Desi? That’s the Desi kinship too.
I hope Indian American Toddler never does anything like what Dharun did. Indian American Dad and I teach him to love and respect others and will continue to do so. But he won’t always do the right thing. And as he gets older, we won’t be able to control all of his influences. Who among us has not been troubled by the homophobia around us? We’ve all heard, “That’s so gay!” to describe anything lame. We’ve seen disapproving looks when boys play with dolls (not that that says anything about a kid’s sexuality). Heck, many politicians essentially run on a platform of homophobia!
And unfortunately, we live in an age of hyper-media-connected cruelty. It strikes me that Dharun’s actions were fed by it. Unlike us, and probably unlike most of the jurors, Dharun grew up with social media. I didn’t even get a Facebook account until my late 20s and only joined Twitter this year. I’m sure many of you were similarly mature when you began to use social media. So our judgment about what is appropriate to post and the consequences of a post is different than Dharun’s generation and will be even more different than Indian American Toddler’s generation.
Even with our mature judgment, today, in a moment of anger, we can say something mean about someone else to thousands and even millions of people. Just touch “publish,” “tweet,” or “post.”
I stopped reading a popular law blog, Above the Law because some of the stories and most of the commenters were so mean. They’d lambast lower-ranked law schools. They’d post profiles of attorneys and law students and completely destroy them (incidentally, many of the targets were women who dared be too sexual in their outside-of-the-law lives). And do you remember a day when people weren’t talking about some mean celebrity tweet? Just this weekend I heard about Rihanna’s Twitter war with Chris Brown’s new girlfriend — Rihanna put a pair of sunglasses and gold hoop earrings on a rice cake, apparently referring to the new girlfriend’s Asian heritage. Who does that? Someone who gets paid exponentially more and has more publicity than a diversity educator who is actually making a positive difference in the world.
Now what Dharun did went beyond just bigoted tweets. And I’m not condoning Dharun’s actions. He did something cruel, violated Tyler’s privacy, and probably wouldn’t have done these things if Tyler were straight. Still, it would be a tragedy if this young guy rotted away in jail for 10 years and/or was deported. Why not turn this into a teachable moment. Certainly he should be punished, but he should also be out there, helping to spread the message of tolerance with the younger generation of tweeters and web cam users.
I really wish someone could have gotten to Tyler before it was too late. I really wish someone could have talked to Dharun before he went too far. And I hope that as parents today, we can support our kids and teach them how to treat one another so that it never happens again.
How did you feel when you learned the verdict in the Ravi case?
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Desis Don’t Buy It (But Should They?): Postpartum Depression and South Asians
Desis Don’t Buy It (But Should They?) is a series on things that South Asians traditionally don’t “buy.” If you can imagine your parents (or someone their age) saying, “waste of money,” “it’s all in your head” or something like that, it’s probably fair game for Desis Don’t Buy It (But Should They?). In this series, I’ll be exploring the issue and weighing in on whether Desis should buy it. If you have ideas for this series, please comment on the I Am Moms Blog Facebook page. Your idea could be featured next!
Desis Don’t Buy Postpartum Depression
For the first post in the Desis Don’t Buy It (But Should They?) series, I’m covering a topic that’s close to the hearts of new moms. Postpartum depression (PPD). Here’s some information about it from the NIH.
When I was pregnant, I heard a lot about PPD, including the symptoms to watch out for (loss of interest in the baby, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, loss of appetite, feelings of disconnection). I knew that Brooke Shields had publicly shared her battle with PPD in her book, Down Came the Rain.
But I also knew that in the Desi community, mental illness such as depression carried a huge stigma. Many Desis believe that depression is all in people’s heads and that sufferers should just “cheer up” to deal with its effects. Not only that, but treatment options, like therapy, medication, and others, are dismissed as a waste of money.
So I came into mommyhood being influenced by two conflicting attitudes toward postpartum depression.
My Experience
After I had Indian American Toddler, I was really overwhelmed and did have feelings of sadness. I don’t know if it was severe enough to be diagnosed as postpartum depression, but I knew I needed to talk to someone. I attended a postpartum support group and several breastfeeding and new moms groups run by local hospitals. These forums helped me talk through some of the difficulties I was facing. I also talked to my mom and other new moms a lot (often over texts, emails, and Facebook messages). My mom was very supportive and encouraged me to attend the postpartum support group regularly.
It certainly wouldn’t have hurt for me to talk to a therapist one-on-one, and I would consider it for future pregnancies. Based on my experience, I recommend that pregnant women research area therapists who treat postpartum depression before delivering. This will be one less thing you have to do if/when you need to see someone during those hectic newborn months. But even if you don’t do the research beforehand, your OB/GYN likely can refer you to someone in your area.
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| With Postpartum Depression, you have a bundle of joy but feel anything but joyful. |
A Brave Desi Shares Her PPD Experience
Over at Lactivist in Louboutins, Indian American mom Naya shared her experience of postpartum depression. She saw a therapist who helped her talk through her issues and taught her some techniques to cope with her anxiety. Through therapy, she was able to feel like her old self again and now has the tools to deal with the symptoms that brought her down. You can read the whole story here.
Should Desis Buy It?
Absolutely. Just like it wouldn’t make sense to say that a friend’s broken arm is “all in her head,” it doesn’t make sense to deny mental illness. Postpartum depression is a real and serious illness but can be treated. Getting treatment improves your quality of life and makes you a better mom. Who wouldn’t want that?
As Indian American moms, we are trailblazers. Just like our parents before us, we’ll have to do things we’re uncomfortable with to give our kids better lives. Maybe breaking down the stigma surrounding mental health treatment is one legacy we can leave to the next generation of Desis.
Mental Health Resources for Desis
Just after I published this post, I learned about an organization called MySahana, a South Asian mental health nonprofit. There are some Desi-specific articles on mental health issues, and this advice column talks specifically about postpartum depression.
You Tell Me
Did you experience postpartum depression? Did you seek professional help? Did you feel family or cultural pressure not to get help? What made you decide to seek help?
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South Asian Women: Don’t Let Rush Strip You!
Would you let Rush strip you? I hope not.
Let me back up.
Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you know that Rush Limbaugh recently made some horrid comments about Sandra Fluke. Fluke testified at an unofficial hearing before congressional Democrats about the negative effects of Georgetown University’s health insurance policy, which does not cover contraceptives. She emphasized that even women who weren’t sexually active needed this coverage to treat serious illnesses such as polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).
And Rush Limbaugh, the master of good taste and respect (NOT!) lambasted her by calling her a prostitute and a slut. He then said that she should post videos of herself having sex online because he and other taxpayers were paying her to have sex. Read the whole story here.
But Indian American Mom, how is Rush stripping South Asian women? Didn’t he insult all women?
He did. But here’s why it is even worse for South Asian women.
Think back to when you were a kid. You’re watching a movie or TV show and your parents walk in RIGHT in the middle of a kissing scene. What do you do? Frantically change the channel, try to look casual, and whistle. Wait! Don’t whistle. Good girls don’t whistle. Look at the floor.
Now let’s replay this scene at one of your non-Indian friends’ houses. Different isn’t it? The channel stays on. Everyone looks comfortable. And who among us didn’t marvel at Cliff and Clair Huxtable kissing so openly on The Cosby Show? Our parents would never do that! Lesson: kissing isn’t such a big deal in many other cultures.
Ok, back to your house, but you’re grown up now. Same thing. You’re watching a TV show and a kissing scene comes on, and your parents walk in. Don’t you STILL change the channel? Or at least feel UNCOMFORTABLE?
Indian American Mom, what is the point of this?
The point, my friend, is that South Asian cultures view sexuality a lot differently than Caucasians do. We’re much more conservative about talking about sex, even as adults. And rightly or wrongly, that makes us far more vulnerable to attacks on our sexual purity than other groups.
Now back to the brave Ms. Fluke. When she decided to testify, she probably expected that her comments would be publicized. She probably expected people to criticize her position. And I’m sure she mentally prepared herself for that possibility.
What was she NOT prepared for? Being called a slut and a prostitute and being asked to videotape herself having sex and send it to Rush Limbaugh. Yeah, that’s not what she signed up for.
Rush has apologized for his words (after several of his sponsors kicked him to the curb), but he probably didn’t mean it.
His words have made the impact he was hoping for.
The next time Congress needs testimony on an issue like this, how many women do you think will step forward?
How many women want to be called a prostitute and a slut in soundbites that replay endlessly on the radio and TV? Soundbites that could be heard by their kids, parents, and neighbors? In statements that will be tweeted and retweeted? In statuses shared on Facebook? I’d bet very few. And so do people like Rush.
Rush Limbaugh and people like him USE our cultural Achilles heels to shut us up.
Because South Asians more conservative about our sexuality, we’re even more vulnerable to this kind of attack. What South Asian woman wants all the aunties and uncles in the world to hear about their (alleged) sex lives? Can you imagine your parents having to field questions about this?
And if we’re silent, what will legislators learn about the sexual health needs of South Asian women?
Guys, if you think women are the only ones Rush is trying to strip, read on.
What other Achilles heels do we have? Have any of you men flown while brown recently? Maybe the next time you think about criticizing the TSA or testifying about civil rights, some talk radio show host will call YOU a terrorist. And none of us wants to be called that either. Might make finding a job hard, don’t you think? Better to just let other people fight for our civil rights.
What makes this even more important? A recent study by South Asian Americans Leading Together and the Asian American Foundation shows that the number of South Asian Americans who can vote has grown between 100% and 414% (Hat tip: Sepia Mutiny).
So, we now have bigger numbers, but what does that mean if people like Rush can strip us of our voices by using our Achilles heels to shut us up?
But let’s make a decision right here and now. We will NOT let Rush strip us of our rights to raise our voices to support whatever political causes we see fit.
Are you with me?
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A Sweet Treat To Go: Review of Fage Yogurt
It’s Sunday and you’re probably thinking about starting the workweek on a healthy note. For me, that starts with packing a healthy lunch.
I try to stick to healthy foods, but I know there is something I have to watch out for.
THE WALL.
The 3pm wall. When I’m at my desk and my energy plummets. And I can think of nothing but…
SUGAR! SUGAR! SUGAR! (my sugar craving wants to guest post).
I’d tried buying large tubs of Costco Greek Yogurt to keep in my office fridge and eat when hunger struck. I’d mix it with a bit of honey from a Trader Joe’s honey bear.
This had two downsides. One, I’d have to stop what I was doing to go scoop out the yogurt from the large container into a smaller bowl, and sometimes I’d forget the bowl at home, meaning no yogurt for me. Two, the honeybear is only 1/2 full (no, that’s not a metaphor), and it makes this farty sound every time I try to squeeze out honey. Then I have to wonder if my coworkers think I’m gassing it up at my desk.
These two things would give me the perfect excuse to head down to our friendly neighborhood frozen yogurt store for a sweet treat. The yogurt is full of probiotics, has natural ingredients, blah blah blah. But even a small serving (and not the serving size on the nutrition information chart, a REALISTIC small serving) would set me back around 250-300 calories.
But I’ve discovered a lunchbox friend that can help me get over the wall.
FAGE TOTAL GREEK YOGURT 0% TO THE RESCUE!
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| They should put a cape on this thing. It’s a superhero in the battle of the bulge. |
These tasty little Fage Total yogurt cups help me get around the 3pm wall and satisfy my sweet tooth for under 120 calories!
The Good
- Under 120 calories
- Great source of protein
- Easy to grab and go
- Unique flavors
As you can see from the picture, the product has two containers–a plain Greek yogurt portion and a sweet jelly portion. The nice thing is that you can add as much or as little of the jelly as you want to control the sweetness of your treat. What always bothered me about presweetened yogurts is that they are way too sweet. Like, I could be happy with about 60% of the sugar that they add. And even if I added all of the jelly to the yogurt, they would be only 120 calories. And I never add all of the jelly.
More importantly, at 13g of protein, it’s a high-protein snack. As a vegetarian, I struggle with getting enough protein in if I don’t focus on eating balanced meals. Plus, protein can help fight the 3pm energy slump.
I buy these at Costco for $12.99 + tax for a dozen, so they cost just above $1 each. It’s really convenient to stash them in your fridge at home or work and just grab one when you want a snack. Indian American Dad likes to add fresh fruit pieces and the jelly. Which leads me to…
They come in really unique flavors like mango guanabana, strawberry goji, blueberry acai, and cherry pomegranate (though that last one is too tart for me). No more boring vanilla and strawberry yogurt for Indian American Mom. No sirree.
The Bad
- Pricier than a tub of Greek yogurt
- Contains refined sugar
A tub of Costco Greek yogurt costs about $6, if I recall correctly, and that would give you a lot more than 6 servings. So this isn’t the most cost-effective way to eat Greek yogurt. Plus, the whole thing has 16 grams of sugar (not sure how much of this is from refined sugar vs. natural sugar). Not good for diabetics (or any of us).
But in the end, this is a tasty, portion-controlled treat that’s convenient and has a decent calorie count. It’s convenient and satisfying. Highly recommended!
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