Monthly Archives: June 2012

Good Parents Are Brave Parents: The Girl Wrestler from Haryana

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With excitement for the Summer Olympics heating up, I’ve been fascinated by some of the stories about the athletes at the games.  And I’ve learned a parenting lesson.

Good Parents Must Be Brave

This story about Geeta Phogat, India’s first woman wrestler, taught me that good parents are brave.  And bravery can come with loneliness.

Geeta is from a small village in Haryana, and she grew up wrestling boys.

I grew up in a thriving metropolis in the US, and I know my Indian American parents wouldn’t have been ok with me wrestling boys (even if I’d had the athletic talent–though I must admit that they supported me through bench warming seasons of girls’ volleyball, basketball, and soccer)!

In the marriage-obsessed and community-oriented Indian culture, and in a small village, I can only imagine the struggles Geeta’s family went through in taking this unconventional path. 

But Geeta’s father, a wrestler, knew that wrestling boys was the only way for Geeta to train because no other village girls were allowed to wrestle.  Geeta’s mother freed her of household chores so she could focus on wrestling training.  Geeta’s father made his daughters wear boyish clothes and cut their hair short.

People thought he was crazy.

Geeta’s father was risking Geeta’s and her sisters’ economic future by making them, essentially, unmarriageable.  In Geeta’s village, very few women go to college or have jobs, so I assume that most rely on their husband’s families for financial support.

It’s very easy for us to look at Geeta now and praise her parents’ choices.

Wrestler Geeta Phogat lifts a weight as she exercises during a practice session inside the Netaji Subhas National Institute of Sports in Patiala in Punjab May 5, 2012. REUTERS-Ajay Verma
Now that Geeta has made it to the Olympic stage, India is proud.  Where were they when she started her training as a child? Source: http://in.reuters.com/article/2012/05/21/geeta-phogat-wrestler-haryana-olympics-idINDEE84K06620120521

In a country that has very little representation in the Olympics, many in India are rallying around Geeta. In fact, her home state of Haryana gave her a car, even though during her early training it refused to help pay for a proper wrestling mat or offer the family any support.

But during the hard years of training, Geeta’s family had no guarantees of success.  

Geeta trained in a cow pen with no shade from the brutal Indian heat and no temperature-control for the mud floor that got cold at night.

Through all of this, Geeta’s parents had to trust their parenting instincts.  


They were willing to be brave and alone.

When it comes to parenting, there are no guarantees.

We may wear our backs out with babywearing, reasoning that attachment parenting helps children to build better relationships as adults.  We may wear out our car tires driving our kids from lesson to lesson, hoping that these will get them into the best colleges.  But our child could still grow up to have emotional and relationship problems, or decide “college isn’t for me.”

We have to admit, that despite all of our choices, there the unknown looms large in our parenting decisions, because we don’t know what the outcomes of our choices will be.

So it takes both courage and faith to make unpopular parenting choices that we know in our gut are correct.

Another Story of Bravery in Parenting

Another parenting courage story is closer to home for me.  My aunt, who married into a large joint family that all lived together, decided to enroll her kids in English language schools.  Everyone else in the family opposed her because no one in the family spoke English well enough to tutor the kids–and extra tutoring outside of school is crucial for academic success in India.  Still, my aunt put my cousins in English language schools, and that has allowed them to enjoy professional opportunities in the U.S. and Canada. 

Again, in hindsight, she did the right thing.  But at the time, it took a lot of courage for her to go against the entire family in a patriarchal culture to make the parenting decision that she did.

Our Turn
I’d love to hear your tales of parenting bravery.  For me, it has been placing Indian American Toddler in daycare so that I can work full-time.  

I cannot tell you how much resistance I’ve faced from my and Indian American Dad’s families. 

Sometimes the comments are “innocent,” like “How many hours a day does he go to daycare?  Nine?  Wow, at such a young age?”  

Sometimes they are more pointed.  Numerous relatives have offered for us to send Indian American Toddler to stay with them for extended periods so he does not have to stay in daycare.  I’ve been very clear from the beginning.  There. Is. No. Way.  I understand that many other families have had to make this decision, but it is not an option for me.

Then there are the inquiries about how much daycare costs.  And comments about how other moms went to part-time or stopped working while their children were young.  Comments that imply I should think about that too.

The decision to trust a daycare with your child is a difficult one.  Returning to work as a new mom is hard.  You already have the fear and the guilt in leaving your child while you go to work.  So to hear these kinds of comments from family can be very painful.  

But I’ve made a network of mom friends who have their kids in daycare or paid childcare, and we confide in each other about the struggles. 

Surprisingly, the most helpful advice on the subject came from my own mom.  She said to stop seeking others’ approval for my parenting choices.  

And brave parents do just that.   

Please share your stories of parenting bravery in the comments.

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“Complainers Are American Heroes”

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Complainers are just whiners.

We should make the best of every situation.

Believe that the glass is half full.

There is no point in complaining.

These are all things that many of us believe.


But they’re not true when it comes to complaining.

“COMPLAINERS ARE AMERICAN HEROES”

A wise judge uttered this phrase to me, and I couldn’t agree more.  Here are three tales to convince you that complainers are American heroes.


The Sikh Doctor with the Perfect Case

The wise judge told the story of a Sikh doctor who received a voicemail from a potential employer that the employer, a hospital, wanted to hire him but that his turban would make patients uncomfortable, so the hospital would not be hiring him.

The wise judge and others urged the Sikh doctor to complain, but he refused.  The Sikh doctor responded that he did not want to make things worse for other Sikhs and that he could find another job, so he did not want to complain to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) or file a lawsuit.

The wise judge proclaimed that this was EXACTLY the kind of case that every civil rights lawyer dreams of.  There was hard evidence of discrimination in a voicemail that could be played to a jury.  Such concrete evidence is rare in an employment discrimination case. 

Complaining to the right parties, including the EEOC, could have meant policy changes that would end (or at least reduce) discrimination against Sikh men who wore turbans.

But as Asian Americans, we are reluctant to complain.  Be it because of language issues, cultural beliefs, or just a lack of access to power structures to complain to, we just don’t want to.  Women are even more hesitant–most of us South Asian women were taught to let things go, accommodate others,  and generally not rock the boat.

But complainers are American heroes.

The Political Process

At the Asian American Native Hawaiian and Pacific Islander Diabetes Coalition Conference, Congressman Mike Honda urged attendees to complain to our congresspersons about issues facing Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders.  He said we had to ask the hard questions of our legislators and demand face to face meetings for answers.  This type of political action is essential in getting federal attention for issues facing our communities.

In this way, complainers can help change their communities for the better by tapping into political channels to create change.

Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA) taught us the right way to complain to legislators about issues facing our communities.

At the White House Initiative on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders conference for Federal Employees, Amardeep Singh, Co-Founder of the Sikh Coalition told us that despite bullies victimizing large numbers of Sikh children in American public schools, the Department of Education reported only a small number of complaints on the issue.

Because they hadn’t heard complaints, the Department of Education did not think bullying was an issue in the Sikh community.

Perhaps as a reaction to our refusal to complain, the Sikh Coalition created FlyRights, smartphone app that allows travelers to quickly and easily complain to the TSA about discrimination.  If you haven’t yet, you should download it here.

Want to complain the right way?  There’s an app for that.

When we formally complain, political and other leaders can no longer hide behind the excuse that they didn’t know there was a problem.  That is the first step to finding a solution.

A Mom’s Tale

These lessons about complaining did not fall on deaf ears.  I decided that I was going to be an American hero too.

If something was wrong, I’d complain.  The right way — calmly, firmly, and offering a constructive solution.

Indian American Toddler goes to a daycare that provides meals to the children, but only provided vegetarian lunches 5 times out of the month.  This meant that Indian American Dad and I had to supplement with home-packed lunches most days of the month.  This took us extra time and wasn’t fair given how much we pay for daycare (it’s a lot).  Plus, when we took the daycare tour, we’d been assured by staff that they had had many vegetarian children, and their food needs were accommodated.

I wrote to the director stating that we wanted the daycare to provide vegetarian lunches, that we paid as much as everyone else and deserved to have our child’s needs accommodated, and that I was willing to work with the daycare to suggest appropriate vegetarian options.

I didn’t know what to expect. The daycare staff seemed reluctant, saying that they did not know if they could accommodate the request, because the children’s menus were fixed.   After some back and forth….

SUCCESS!

The daycare will be providing all of the center children the option of vegetarian meals EVERY DAY!  Not only that, but the vegetarian option will be similar to the non-vegetarian option (e.g. if the other kids are eating pasta with sausage, Indian American Toddler will get pasta with soy sausage or tomato sauce).  Now I’m not the biggest fan of fake meats (actually many of them make me sick and we try to stay away from too many processed foods), but I’ll take it!

If I hadn’t complained, neither Indian American Toddler nor the other children at the center would have had appropriate vegetarian options.

Are You An American Hero?

Your turn.  Tell me a story about a time you complained.  What happened?  Do you think complainers are American heroes?  Why or why not?

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Kal Penn, Obama for America, and Me

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Often people ask me if I miss living in my hometown of LA.  Why would I, when I can celebrity-watch right here in the DC area?

That’s right folks, yours truly was within paper airplane-throwing distance of everyone’s favorite Desi stoner, Kal Penn.

Kal Penn is a huge Obama supporter and headlined an event in Arlington for young voters.  

He urged Obama supporters to:

  • knock on doors;
  • tell our friends; 
  • register voters;
  • volunteer for phone banks; 
  • and generally spread the word about why we support President Obama.

You can find talking points here.

Here’s what happened at Kal Penn’s Obama for America event:

Aneesh Chopra, former Chief Technology Officer of the White House introduced Kal Penn to the crowd.

Kal Penn told us about his time in the White House.  Very early in his presidency, President Obama told him that signing the Executive Order reactivating the White House Initiative on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders was the right thing to do.

Kal Penn also talked about President Obama’s plan and actions to ensure that college is affordable for all.

I loved seeing many Asian American and South Asian American faces in the crowd, especially because we are underrepresented in politics.

More audience members.  On the far left in the white tank top and pink skirt is a volunteer from the Arlington Obama for America office.  I highly encourage everyone to volunteer at least once for the campaign.  Just call your local OFA office.

Want to read more about the event?  Here is an article about it.

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Women’s Health Townhall at the White House

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I’m nervous about the anticipated Supreme Court decision on the constitutionality of the Affordable Care Act.

At the recent Women’s Health Townhall at the White House, I learned that the Affordable Care Act has so much to offer women (and our country as a whole) that I hope it is upheld.  Still, from reports I read about oral argument, it seemed that the justices were leaning toward finding the law unconstitutional. 

That is unfortunate.  Women have much to gain from the Affordable Care Act.  (If you want to hear how the Act affects minorities, read my posts here, here, and here).

Tina Tchen, the Chief of Staff for Michelle Obama and the Executive Director of the White House Council on Women and Girls welcomes the audience.  I was excited to see an Asian American woman represented in the Obama White House.

Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services, Kathleen Sebelius, speaks to an audience of women.

The audience was almost all women. I was disappointed.  Don’t men care about women’s health?

Here’s what really hit me about the Affordable Care Act and women: 

  • Under the Affordable Care Act, only 20% of health insurance premiums could go to administrative costs and profits, while 80% would have to go to patient care.  Health insurers who violate the 80/20 rule would have to refund a portion of the premium.
  • Currently, insurance companies can reject women for pre-existing conditions, including being victims of domestic violence.  Beginning in 2014, this will be illegal.
  • Currently, insurance companies can charge women up to 50% more for health insurance coverage, at a cost of over $1 billion, annually.  Beginning in 2014, this will be illegal.
  • The Affordable Care Act will make a number of preventive services will be available without copays.  These include well woman visits; gestational diabetes screening; HPV DNA testing; STD counseling; HIV screening and counseling; breastfeeding support, supplies, and counseling; and domestic violence counseling.
  • States will set up health insurance exchanges for those with preexisting conditions to purchase insurance at competitive prices. Coverage will vary from state to state, but the federal law will provide a floor for coverage. Exchanges will also provide an alternative to expensive COBRA coverage for those who have lost a job.
  • Medicaid coverage will be expanded to cover people who are at 133% of the poverty line. 
  • Community health centers will be expanded under the Affordable Care Act.
  • People who are now covered by health insurance are paying $1000 more (per year?) to compensate for others who do not have health insurance.  The Affordable Care Act will alleviate this burden by ensuring that everyone is covered.

I was also pleased to learn that the Affordable Care Act will facilitate race, ethnicity, and primary language-based health data.  The AAPI Diabetes conference showed me how crucial this type of data is in preventing, diagnosing, and treating disease.

Check out these photos for more from the Women’s Health Townhall:

Here’s me, Indian American Mom, in the White House Press Briefing Room (bloggers and journalists got to hang out here before the Townhall).

Bloggers and journalists got prime seats in the front of the room.  If you’re thinking about starting a blog, I highly encourage it.  You may get opportunities like this one.
The panel prepares to speak.  Notice the smartphone love.

Real people spoke about the impact of the ACA on their lives. The woman at the podium, a college student, was able to stay on her parents’ insurance.  The baby pictured got excellent care for multiple serious health conditions, and his mother did not have to worry about lifetime limits on health insurance benefits thanks to the ACA.

A senior citizen describes how the Affordable Care Act closes the Medicare “doughnut hole,” allowing her to contribute more money toward he grandchild’s education.

Valerie Jarrett spoke at the event, then sat right in my row.  We must have a connection.  Check out our last meeting.

What do you think about the Affordable Care Act?  What do you think are the biggest health challenges facing South Asian women today?  Please share in the comments.

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9 Ways Moms Can Make Workouts Happen

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Exhausted all the time?

Know that you should be living a healthier lifestyle but can’t find the time or the energy?

Enjoy working out but can’t figure out the childcare?

Want some “me” time instead of another obligation to fulfill?

We’ve all gone through one or more of these frustrations when considering how to fit in exercise into our weekly routines.

You’ve heard me talk time and time again about how I’ve been wanting to fit in exercise into my routine, and I’ve finally been able to crack the code. 

Today I’m sharing 9 strategies that busy moms can use to integrate exercise into their routines:

1. Invest in It
It’s silly, but the real catalyst for my change in routine was buying 3 new workout outfits that I could only wear while working out.  They’re the spandex/polyester moisture-wicking kind, and unlike my cotton yoga pants (which have seen very little yoga-doing and a whole lot of sedentary activity), I probably can’t wear them anywhere but the gym.  Knowing that I’d invested that money in working out gave me the extra push to make sure I got in enough workouts to get them all into the laundry pile.

Otherwise, I’d have to admit to Indian American Dad that my buying was just retail therapy, and I did not want to do that.

None of the pieces was over $20 (Sources: Marshall’s/TJ Maxx, Target’s C9 line, Nordstrom Rack, and Costco for excellent moisture-wicking yoga pants that are supposed to be a dead-ringer for the pricey Lululemmon version), so this process didn’t break the bank but it was enough to motivate me. 

Investing in your workouts might also include purchasing a gym membership, proper workout shoes, or paying for a personal training session.  A cheaper option would be to make a bet with your friend or spouse that you will work out x number of times per month.

2. Be Realistic
In the past, I’d talked endlessly about waking up at 5am every day to work out.  I even asked Indian American Dad if he would agree to wake me up (he declined).  I’m a nightowl, staying up late to do blog posts or other to-dos that I couldn’t get to during the day.  So by saying I’d wake up every day at 5am to work out, I was setting myself up for failure.

What did work was to set a more realistic goal of 2 early morning workouts per week. I supported that goal by going to sleep at Indian American Toddler’s bedtime (8pm-ish) on the nights before my planned early morning workouts, which allowed me to be well-rested by early morning so I could head out for a workout.

3. Schedule & Prioritize
It’s a cliche, I know, but you really have to plan workouts in your schedule.  Many of our weekly to do lists include non-negotiables such as doing laundry and dishes, getting groceries, buying supplies for little pookie’s science project, returning phone calls, etc.  How many of those to do lists include working out?  If working out is on there, does it get pushed right to the bottom when something else “important” pops up?

To make exercise a part of our weekly routines, it HAS to be a non-negotiable priority.  It might mean that the dirty dishes stay in the sink overnight *gasp* or that you don’t sign up to bring anything for the bake sale at your kids’ school. 

So be it!

If you want to be a good mom, you have to stay healthy and energetic, and regular exercise is a big part of that.  This mental trick has really worked for me.

4. Visualize & Identify
I’m a big believer in the power of visualization.  See yourself as a woman who works out regularly.  Visualize yourself going to the gym, walking, or running regularly.  Make healthy living a part of your identity, instead of just another thing on the to-do list. 

Again, the clothes came in handy for me here.  By wearing specific workout gear that looks very fitness-y, I feel like a person who makes fitness a priority.  This in turn pushes me to work out more regularly.  I always find it easier to eat healthfully when I work out regularly, because it helps me see food as fuel, and it’s easier to turn away treats that are the equivalent of the entire caloric burn of my workout.  

In this way, healthy living is more than just a crash diet or cramming in a bunch of running before your high school reunion — it’s a way of life.

5. Make a Workout Plan
If a workout is just another workout, without a larger context, it’s easy to skip.  After all, there’s always tomorrow, isn’t there? 

But if you have a workout plan, such as the Couch to 5K program (a 9-week program that takes you from running no more than 1 minute at a time to running 30 minutes straight) you’ll be less likely to skip a workout.  It helps if you tie this plan to a group that can keep you accountable. 

I’ve just agreed with a couple of friends that we’ll post on each other’s Facebook as we complete the Couch to 5k workouts.  If you want to join, post to the I Am Moms Facebook Page.  Let’s keep each other accountable!

6. Something is Always Better than Nothing.
But, don’t let a hitch in the workout plan undo your routine entirely.  In the past, I’ve decided not to work out even when I had the time, reasoning that I could never have time for a weekly routine, so what was the point? 

Now I try to think it’s better to do something rather than nothing.  In my last post, you might have read that AAPIs benefit from even small amounts of weight loss by decreasing the risk of diabetes.  Why not make those small changes that may lead to a big change later on.

Even if it is just 10 jumping jacks and 5 crunches, or walking over to the playground with the kids, every little bit of activity will help you get into the habit of working out regularly. 

7. Just Do It
There will always be another dish to wash, or another toy to put away, or (let’s not lie), another TV show gluing you to the couch.  If you can just get out the door and start, you’ve probably done the hardest part of your workout.  Even if you tell yourself you’ll just do 10 minutes, once you get going, you will probably not want to stop.  If you really must watch that awful reality TV show, do an at-home workout while you watch it!

8. Childcare
Maybe this should have been number 1 on the list.  I know it’s been a significant challenge for me.  Unlike our BC (before child) days, we are now beholden to sweet little ones who need our constant attention.  Working out now requires us to have a few tricks up our sleeves.

  • Early morning workouts – This is why the early morning workouts are excellent, when I can make them happen.  Indian American Toddler and Indian American Dad snooze while Indian American Mom gets in a nice workout.  Best of all, our evening routines are more or less intact.
  • Take the Kids - Take baby out in a jogging stroller (or even a regular stroller) and walk up hills in the neighborhood, go to the playground with the kids and play tag with them, or join a class that you can all participate in (martial arts?). 
  • Take Turns – Take turns with your spouse, support person, or even a mom friend nearby.  One watches the kids while the other one gets in a nice workout.  The next day (or maybe once a week), you switch.
  • Bring Your Workout Home – Use workout DVDs and free weights; or even workouts that need no equipment such as crunches, pushups, lunges, jumping jacks, and the like to work up a sweat at home.  I did a great pilates video at home this week (Pop Pilates – check it out on YouTube).  Indian American Toddler did interrupt me a couple of times, but I just paused the video, played with him for a few moments, then kept right on going.  I felt it the next day!

9. Focus on Short-Term Benefits
It can be easy to get discouraged when you don’t see results right away, but it helps to see exercise as its own reward. 

  • Me Time – Exercise is a rare chance for moms to get some “me” time, especially if you can listen to some great songs on your iPod or watch a favorite TV show while on the treadmill.
  • Mood Benefits – Exercise is a free and healthy mood booster.  For those who struggle with anxiety and depression, exercise is a nice complement to other treatment modalities.  Even if you do not have these conditions, you have probably felt sad, anxious, or lonely from time to time.  Get your heart rate up for 30 minutes and tell me you don’t feel better afterwards (I dare you!).  
  • Stress Relief – Us moms are busy folks, and face lots of stress.  Exercise is a much healthier way to cope than snapping at your spouse (guilty!), eating a donut (guilty!), or surfing Facebook for too long (guilty!).
  • Energy Boost - With everything hardworking moms do, the thing we need most is energy.  Unfortunately, our sedentary lifestyles and bagel habit (I’ll admit it, I have one) zap energy faster than you can say “passed out on the couch.”  Regular exercise has helped boost my energy level.
  • Health Benefits – By exercising regularly, you’ll be cutting your risk of developing diabetes, heart disease and other conditions and you’ll be boosting your immune system.  Who among us doesn’t want to live long and healthy lives so that we can raise our kids to be happy and successful adults? 

What are your strategies for fitting in exercise into your weekly routine?  What are some things that derail you?  Please share in the comments or at our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/iammomsblog.

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