Category Archives: having it all

More Lipsticks, Glosses, and Stains for Dark-Skinned Moms

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I had a great response to my Shellac nails post recently–despite having busy lives, lots of us love to glam it up.

The problem is, we don’t have much time to try out products, and there are few cosmetics reviews by women of color out there.

I’d like to help fill in that gap with cosmetics reviews from time to time. Tell me what you think in the comments!

Here are a few swatches of lip colors I’ve been loving lately:

Revlon Just Bitten Kisable Balm Stain in Romance

This shade looks great on lots of skintones.  It’s a warm-toned red that brightens up your entire face.  I wear this all the time–at work and on the weekends.  It’s not glossy, but does have a sheen to it.

This product is part of the Balm Stain line–chunky crayon lip colors that apply really smoothly, simultaneously depositing a stain of color that soaks into the lips and a balm-like layer of color that sits on top of the lips.  The product leaves a minty tingle on your lips and is hydrating.  They last only a few hours, but I like the shade selection for darker skintones.  They are pricey for a drugstore color, at around 9 bucks a pop, but I like them for their smooth feel and low fragrance.

 

Revlon Just Bitten Kisable Balm Stain in Crush

This shade is perfect for the wine or dark berry lips trend of Fall 2012.  This is a classic Desi color, as we’ve known since our teen years that our darker skintones look great berry shades.  I find this a little dark for daytime, but I think if you’re comfortable with a darker lip this would be okay in the workplace too.

Revlon Colorburst Lipstick in Rosy Nude

Generally, when I hear the terms “rosy” and “nude” in a lipstick, I think it will make me look like a corpse or not show up at all.  Hello, pigmented lips, party of one.  But this color pleasantly surprised me by giving my lips a natural, but slightly rosy color.  It was pigmented enough to cover my darker toned lips.  If you have a caramel skintone, this shade would work well for days when you want a “no lipstick” look but still look polished.  Also, if you have small lips like I do, lighter colors like these will make your lips look fuller.

The Colorburst line of lipsticks is excellent because the lipsticks are highly pigmented, apply smoothly, and most importantly, have no fragrance.  I find the perfumey fragrance in a lot of other Revlon lipsticks offensive, so I was glad that they ditched that for this line.  Like most Revlon products, this is a bit pricey at $9.  But the drugstores frequently have sales and coupons, so be on the lookout for that if you like this shade.

Revlon Colorburst in Rosy Nude with Avon Renewing Rose Glazewear VitaLuscious Lip Gloss on top

The downside of Rosy Nude’s natural look is that it can make me look washed out.  It’s almost too natural.  For that reason, I like to use it as a base for lighter glosses.  It helps even the less pigmented ones show up more true to the shade in the container.  This one is Avon’s Renewing Rose.  It’s a gloss that looks scarily bright pink in the tube, but is a nice, wearable medium pink on the lips.

 

Ladies, what are your favorite beauty products?  Would you like to see more reviews on here?  Let me know, and I’ll try to put some more up.

Celebrating Life’s Fails: The Waffle Edition

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This story starts out with this:

Waffle fail.

Well, actually,  the story starts back in my childhood, when my mother was fond of saying, “We don’t need to buy _____, we can make it at home with what we already have.”

Ah, the frugal Desi mom (perhaps you have one?).  Though she bought my brother and me all of the necessities (and even splurged on us frequently), she always wanted us to be resourceful.

So figuring out how to accomplish what I want with what I already have has become second nature. *Subtly shoves aside pile of impulse purchases with foot*

I recently purchased the Cuisinart Griddler to add some variety into our dinners.  I love grilling veggies, tofu, paneer, fruit, and basically anything I can get onto the grill (see above).  Indian American Dad loves waffles so asked me to get the waffle plates.  At $40, the waffle plates, sold separately, were 1/2 the cost of the Griddler itself.

Sooooo, I decided to use what I had and make waffles right on the grill portion.  Sure the waffles would be shaped funny, but they’d taste the same.  Right?

When I poured the waffle batter onto the grill, it spread out alarmingly fast.  It ran toward the back of the grill onto a hole in the back and here’s what came of that:

Waffle batter spilling out of the back, onto the counter and on the electrical cord.  In case you are wondering, the green blob is the previous night’s palak paneer.

As a blogger, I love to check out other bloggers’ work, ooh and aah at their amazing photos and clever recipes, and generally experience blog envy. At times, it feels like like everyone else has it together.

Facebook friends are off climbing Mt. Kilamanjaro or getting their dream jobs or posting photos of their gorgeous homes/apartments or looking enamoured with their well-behaved husband kids.  Meanwhile, you’re trying to get your act together to make a road trip 2 hours away, your dream career is years away, you live in a tiny apartment, or can’t stop bickering with your spouse. 

On blogs and Pinterest, superwomen serve gourmet breakfasts on designer plates, color code their kids’ toys, and have organized closets.  Oh, and in their free time they take breathtaking photos of exotic locales. 

Even the most self-assured women have to admit, social media can make you feel like crap.  Forbes Woman thinks so too.

So while Pinterest is fun to peruse, and even the best of us has stalked/envied friends’ lives on Facebook, I think it’s important to give ourselves a reality check at times. Fails are all around us (albeit rarely pinned on Pinterest or featured in a Facebook feed). Remember, “Yes” lives in the land of “no.”   So fails are a part of life, and I Am Moms will celebrate them!


What are your recent fails?  Do you have pictures?  I’d love to see some reader epic kitchen fails.   I’ll put them up on the Facebook page.  You can e-mail them to me at iammomsblog@gmail.com.

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“Yes Lives in the Land of No”

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You want to apply for that dream job, but you’d rather live with the possibility of it in your head than actually apply and face rejection.

You want to contact a star in your field to pitch a collaboration, but you’re afraid your dreams are ridiculous.

You want to propose a new way of doing things to your supervisor, but you’re afraid she will dismiss you.

You want to submit your written work for publication, but you just can’t take another rejection.

You want to try a new sport, but you are afraid you won’t be good enough.

You want to make a new mom friend, but you don’t give her your number because you’re afraid she’s not interested.

You want to tell your parents how you honestly feel.  But you’re afraid they won’t understand.

All of us face rejection throughout our lives.  The easiest way to save ourselves heartache is to avoid risking failure at all, and just play it safe.

Stick to what we’re good at, and hope that the dreams tugging away at our souls will just leave us alone.  That we can continue with the status quo–it’s good enough, isn’t it?

My friend, success coach and award-winning speaker, Alec Borenstein says NO WAY.

Find out why from his talk, “Yes Lives in the Land of No”:

In case you can’t watch the video, here’s what you need to know:

  • Love “no” because without it, there is no “yes.”  
  • By seeking out the “no,” you are closer to finding “yes.”  Every time you are rejected, you’re that much closer to an opportunity where someone will say yes.
  • Don’t take a “no” personally.  It doesn’t reflect on you as a person — it’s just information.

When I was a teenager, and was into very cool gear like the No Fear brand (remember those?).  I had a No Fear shirt that said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”  And that’s exactly it.  

If we live in constant fear of “no,” we’ll never seek out the opportunities where we would have found a “yes.”

Thanks to Alec for this inspiring clip.  You can check out his website here for future speaking events.

What opportunities would you pursue if you weren’t afraid of no?  Share in the comments.

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Happy Mother’s Day! Thank You Mom, Kakis, Masis, Mamis, Bas, Nanis, Fais & Aunties!

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Happy Mothers Day to All of Our Mother Figures!

In Desi families, like many occasions, Mothers Day is a group event.  In my family, we celebrated not only my mom, but my grandmothers, aunts, and other female relatives and friends.  It was this rich female influence that helped nurture me into the person that I am today.

Of course, now that I’m a mom myself, I appreciate even more all of the love and hard work that goes into mothering.  It’s been one of the most beautiful, rewarding experiences of my life, but also one of the most difficult.

Growing up, how many times did we hear, “You’ll understand when you’re a parent.” 

Boy do I ever. 

How you’re bursting with love for your little ones, and their two-toothed smiles can make a bad day a great one. 

How easy it is to spout parenting philosophies like allowing early independence, and how hard it is to actually apply them when your toddler insists on eating by himself, getting spaghetti sauce all over the walls in the process. 

How vulnerable you feel about any little thing that affects their lives, because you just want them to be safe and happy. 

On this blog, a lot of times I call into question the ways of the older generation.  My intent is to pull the best of what our cultures and the older generation have to offer while discarding the beliefs and practices that hold us back.  That is one way that we can have it all.

Today, in honor of Mothers Day, I’ll share the positive things that we’ve received from our elders.  Thank you to all my Facebook friends, Twitter followers, and readers who shared their ideas!

Giving Thanks for Everything
The older generation gave us so much.  Here is a short list of the values they have taught us:

  • Teaching us to respect and cherish our elders;
  • Demonstrating the value of education, and supporting us while we pursued our educations;
  • Emphasizing the importance of family, not only in words but also in actions; 
  • Sharing their languages with us so that we would be connected with people in other generations and countries;
  • Teaching us about our history and religions so that we would understand our heritage;
  • Celebrating colorful holidays with us and teaching us how to celebrate them with our families;
  • Showing us the value of hospitality, by hosting not only their friends and our relatives, but also our friends from school and work; 
  • Being brave enough to leave an established life in their homeland for new opportunities abroad;
  • Providing an example of what it means to work hard and encouraging us to work hard
  • Mentoring us as new parents and giving us free babysitting once in awhile so that we can go on date nights;
  • Showing us that no matter how old we get, we’ll always be their babies :o )

 I’m sure I’ve missed many things on this list.  Can you help add to the list? 

Do you have any special memories of your mother and mother figures?

Please share in the comments.

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How Desi Can You Be At Work?

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Did you ever wonder if you should wear those very Indian-looking gold earrings to work?  You know, the kind with the really yellow gold? 

I have.

Did you ever not have anything to wear to a company party, and consider wearing a glitzy salwar khameez?  Then did you reconsider when you remembered you might run into the office big cheese?

I have.

Have you ever questioned whether you should have a photo of you in a sari and a bindi as your Facebook profile picture?

I have.

Did you consider giving your kid a more “American”-sounding name so that he’d have better career prospects?

I have.

I’m very proud of being Indian, but at least in the professional world, I sometimes wonder how Indian is too Indian.

Sure, authenticity sounds great in the abstract.  But we all know that the reality is far more complex.

Authenticity in the workplace seems like a great idea.  Why should we leave our true selves at home when we go to work?  Don’t we live in an age of diversity?  Prejudice is a thing of the past, right?  
 
The truth is, we know the annoying questions and comments we’ve gotten when we’ve revealed too much of our Indianness at work.  Did you have an arranged marriage? (Sort of.)  Do you know how to make curry? (There’s no such thing.)  My neighbor’s best friend is Indian. (And what am I supposed to do with that information?)  If you live in an area with a larger South Asian population, you may not get all of these questions.  Maybe that’s even more dangerous.

What silent assumptions are people making about us?  And how do those affect our careers?

We’ve heard business executives praise authenticity, maybe to assure us that being your culturally authentic self won’t put you out of the running for a promotion.  Remember how Indra Nooyi wore saris to her first business school internship?  Her PR folks have made a point of spreading her message of cultural authenticity around the web–how do you think I was able to get so many sources for my blog piece on her?

The newest executive posterchild for authenticity is Ernst & Young’s Global Vice Chair of Public Policy, Beth Brooke.  In 2010, she came out as a gay woman in an E&Y video for the Trevor Project, a gay teen suicide prevention organization. She recently talked to Forbes Woman about coming out and the role of authenticity in the workplace.

I find it telling that I haven’t heard of any other CEOs like Indra Nooyi, who admit to wearing saris at work.  And Beth Brooke kept her sexual orientation secret for 30 years before coming out; waiting until she had already achieved great heights with her career.

Maybe this tells us that it’s risky to be your culturally authentic self at work. 

A Realistic View.

One really helpful view on the whole topic comes from “Immigrant Professional Woman” Chitra Sundaram.  She immigrated to the States from India to pursue an MBA and began her career on Wall Street.  


She says that at the entry-level, everything was hunky dory.  Even without connections and with a foreign education, she was able to hang with the best of them.  But as she moved up the corporate ladder, she noticed that culture and connections trumped good old fashioned American smarts and elbow grease.  It mattered whether you wanted to be a frugal Desi and keep the paid-off but not-so-hip Toyota or whether you wanted to keep up-to-date with a fancy new car every 3 years.  


She says the higher-ups need to see themselves in you, and what if your culture makes you just too different for that to happen? 


Here are some ideas for getting ahead without having to leave your whole self behind. 

One step is to look up in the organizations that you’d like to work for.  Does anyone at the highest levels of leadership look like you?  Not a foolproof measure, but it’s one indication of whether you might be able to bring your whole self to work.  


Another tip is to find a mentor from a similar background (at your organization or outside it) who has risen up the ranks and help you navigate these kinds of issues.  Also be sure to choose a trail guide within your organization who can help you figure out the path to advancement within your organization.


Do you have any other tips for negotiating culture in the workplace?

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Visualize the Best to Beat Stress

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I have a speech coming up in Toastmasters next week. 


I’m excited but also a little nervous.  “What if I forget to say x?” or “What if a joke I’m planning to use isn’t as funny as I think it is?”

In my career as a lawyer, I’ve been trained to think of the worst possible scenario and try to insulate against it.  You know that waiver you had to sign before you went snorkeling?  The one that said you wouldn’t sue if you got maimed by a wild jellyfish?  Created by lawyers.  Thinking of the worst possible scenario. 

That thinking leads me to think of the worst possible scenario in other situations in life (or maybe it’s my tendency to try to insulate against risk that led me to a career as a lawyer?).  Both Indian American Dad and my younger brother routinely make fun of my perception of danger in the world around us.  Of course, now that I’m a mom, that sense is 10 times worse.
 
But what if, instead of imagining the worst scenario in a scary situation, I imagined the best possible outcome?  I’d set myself up to receive the best.

That’s a perspective I got from the lovely Sapna Mehra, jewelry designer and blogger.


She’s allowed me to share her post here.  It’s a practical primer on using the power of positive thinking and visualization to fight stress.  I found the risk-assessment piece to be very relevant to my day-to-day life.

Two Very Important Lessons

A while back, as I was walking into my house and chatting on the phone, I put two Very Important Things on my desk that I absolutely needed to take with me the next morning. As I set the things down while I continued my chat, I had a subtle but very clear vision and thought:
What would happen and how much it would suck, if I forgot these two Very Important Things.

But I quickly brushed away my thoughts, thinking, I’m placing these right on my desk, next to my bag, right by the door, so I won’t forget and continued with my conversation.

The next morning, I realized after I was already far enough away from home, that in my haste, I forgot my two Very Important Things.

Usually, I would’ve made myself more than a little aggravated, cursed up a storm and beat myself up.  But somehow, for some reason, I didn’t. I sort of shrugged it off and moved forward- no use crying over spilled milk – and quickly used my energy to think of solutions and alternatives.

Later, I thought about what happened and suddenly my mind became bright and Two Very Important Lessons became absolutely clear to me.

LESSON ONE:
No matter what happens, life goes on. 
It’s true, and I’ve heard and said this before. I’ve faced (and overcome) much more challenging difficulties besides forgetting two Very Important Things, but for some reason it was on this occasion that I really understood this Very Important Lesson.

There is no reason to lose it, no matter what happens.  Because, essentially, losing it is a supreme waste of your precious energy.  I realized by keeping my cool and assessing the situation calmly, I was able to quickly figure out how to best remedy the situation.

LESSON TWO (perhaps the more important lesson for me):
I have the power to manifest anything I can imagine.
You see, while I was chatting on the phone, I actually visualized leaving my things on my desk. And the next morning, I did actually leave them there.

By thinking it, I somehow made it true.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve negotiated risk and navigated decision making by consciously imagining the worst. I thought I was protecting myself from potential pain and suffering in case things didn’t go my way. By imagining the worst, I could base my decision on whether or not I’d be able to live with the worst and whether my decision would be worth it.

But, the thing is, that I can never know what will happen. And there are many things that I will never have control over. What I do have control over is, what I choose to imagine and how I choose to act.

Recently, I’ve started to visualize the beautiful, the most-promising, my dream ideal, the very best.  I imagine my perfect morning, see myself as a super-fit yogini, calm, compassionate and endlessly productive. Somewhere on my journey, I’ve abandoned visualizing the worst and have shifted towards abundance.

And I see and have experienced the very real results of this shift.  While I haven’t achieved Bodhisattva status, I have started going to yoga regularly, I’ve found that I’m more compassionate towards myself and thus have the capacity to be more compassionate to others, I’m more productive and active and more grateful for the life that I have.

It took me so long to actually know these lessons and now that I have, I am so ready and excited for 2012!
What about you? Any lessons you learned last year that you are bringing forward with you this year? Please share… I’d love to hear!

What do you think?  What are your stress management techniques?  





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Tiger Moms? Dolphin Moms? Baguette Moms? Try Human Moms.

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Didn’t You Know?  Nonhumans Make the Best Moms.

By now, most of us have heard of the Tiger Mom.  I’ve also read about the Dolphin Mom.  And recently there was Baguette Mom.  So many opinions on what nonhuman is the best kind of mom, and we overachieving Desis hang on every word because we want to make sure we’re doing things the best way.

“Your Best Isn’t Good Enough!” Declares Mom Guilt
Of all the things that I do in my life, the most important is being a good mom to Indian American Toddler.  These mom advice books get so much attention because most moms feel this way.  It’s the same urge that leads us to ask, “Did little Santosh finish building an artificial heart from popsicle sticks and gum?” and “Are you excited for little Shanti’s Spanish immersion program in Costa Rica?  That will get her all set up to start kindergarten on the right foot,” all the while wondering if we’re doing something wrong when we decide we’re not signing our kids up for swimming class because we can’t take one more activity on top of work, daycare, dinners, and social obligations.  Ok, that last part is just me.

Yes, we’re not putting Indian American Toddler in swimming classes yet, and yes, I wonder if he’s going to fall behind because of it.  I mean how is Indian American Toddler going to get into Harvard and become a neurosurgeon if he is not building up his extracurricular activities portfolio now?  Not to mention, what if he were going to be the next Michael Phelps, and he just lost that opportunity because we didn’t put him into swimming early enough?  Guess I’m just not good enough…

Stop the Madness!  We Moms Have It Hard.
All that madness is why I liked this Washington Post article. It reminds us that as American parents, we’re up against a lot of odds and that doing our best is probably good enough.  It also urges us to shift our expectations from raising high-achieving kids to raising happy kids. 

Here are some interesting facts from the article.  Did you know that:

  • On average, American parents spend more time with their children than parents in other developed countries?
  • American mothers who work outside the home today (who make up 3/4 of moms) spend more time with their kids than the housewives of the 1960s?
  • France (of Baguette moms) has paid parental leave and government-subsidized childcare?
  • The United States is 1 of only 3 countries in the world with no federal paid parental leave policy? (this one’s hard for me to believe, but the article says it’s true)
  • Childcare is a significant part of American working parents’ budgets, behind only the mortgage or rent?

This quote was particularly telling:
“American parenting is child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labor-intensive, financially expensive and is expected to be done by mothers alone. And it is impossible to do alone,” said Sharon Hays, a sociologist at the University of Southern California. “The mothering you see today in America is culturally and historically unprecedented. We expect selfless devotion to what we interpret as the child’s needs, wants and interests at every moment of the day. And with the vast majority of mothers working, that puts them in an impossible paradox.”


What It All Means for Desi Moms
We are part of a culture where we were pushed to achieve the best grades so we could get into the best colleges and have the best careers.  We’re also part of a culture where mothers must be self-sacrificing and do anything and everything to give their children the best.  AND HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT THOSE TWO THINGS COLLIDE?


How can you be the kind of person who wants to achieve great heights with her career and also give EVERYTHING to their children?  It’s impossible.

But what about the stay at home moms?  I mean, their whole job is to stay at home and nurture their kids. Surely THEY can ferry the kids around to lessons, plan stimulating activities, limit TV time, entertain out of town visitors at a moment’s notice, and also have dinner on the table at the end of the day.  After all, my mom did it.

HAVE YOU EVER STAYED HOME ALL DAY WITH YOUNG CHILDREN?  You barely have time to go to the bathroom, between feeding the kids, bathing them, and watching them like a hawk to make sure something like this doesn’t happen (Ok, even if you’re not a stay at home mom, check out that link to Shit My Kids Ruined — a hilarious collection of epic messes courtesy of little ones).

SO IT’S NOT POSSIBLE TO DO AND BE EVERYTHING.  What a concept!

By now you’re thinking, But Indian American Mom, isn’t I Am Moms for the moms who want it all?

Yes, it is.  But a big part of having it all is realizing that you can’t truly have it all.  You have to prioritize and give yourself a break!  We can’t literally give EVERYTHING to our children, but we can do our best to be the best moms we can.

After all, we’re not tigers, dolphins, or baguettes.  We’re human.

What ways do you feel pressured to do more for your kids?  Why?  How do you deal with it?

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