Category Archives: personal development

“Yes Lives in the Land of No”

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You want to apply for that dream job, but you’d rather live with the possibility of it in your head than actually apply and face rejection.

You want to contact a star in your field to pitch a collaboration, but you’re afraid your dreams are ridiculous.

You want to propose a new way of doing things to your supervisor, but you’re afraid she will dismiss you.

You want to submit your written work for publication, but you just can’t take another rejection.

You want to try a new sport, but you are afraid you won’t be good enough.

You want to make a new mom friend, but you don’t give her your number because you’re afraid she’s not interested.

You want to tell your parents how you honestly feel.  But you’re afraid they won’t understand.

All of us face rejection throughout our lives.  The easiest way to save ourselves heartache is to avoid risking failure at all, and just play it safe.

Stick to what we’re good at, and hope that the dreams tugging away at our souls will just leave us alone.  That we can continue with the status quo–it’s good enough, isn’t it?

My friend, success coach and award-winning speaker, Alec Borenstein says NO WAY.

Find out why from his talk, “Yes Lives in the Land of No”:

In case you can’t watch the video, here’s what you need to know:

  • Love “no” because without it, there is no “yes.”  
  • By seeking out the “no,” you are closer to finding “yes.”  Every time you are rejected, you’re that much closer to an opportunity where someone will say yes.
  • Don’t take a “no” personally.  It doesn’t reflect on you as a person — it’s just information.

When I was a teenager, and was into very cool gear like the No Fear brand (remember those?).  I had a No Fear shirt that said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”  And that’s exactly it.  

If we live in constant fear of “no,” we’ll never seek out the opportunities where we would have found a “yes.”

Thanks to Alec for this inspiring clip.  You can check out his website here for future speaking events.

What opportunities would you pursue if you weren’t afraid of no?  Share in the comments.

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Good Parents Are Brave Parents: The Girl Wrestler from Haryana

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With excitement for the Summer Olympics heating up, I’ve been fascinated by some of the stories about the athletes at the games.  And I’ve learned a parenting lesson.

Good Parents Must Be Brave

This story about Geeta Phogat, India’s first woman wrestler, taught me that good parents are brave.  And bravery can come with loneliness.

Geeta is from a small village in Haryana, and she grew up wrestling boys.

I grew up in a thriving metropolis in the US, and I know my Indian American parents wouldn’t have been ok with me wrestling boys (even if I’d had the athletic talent–though I must admit that they supported me through bench warming seasons of girls’ volleyball, basketball, and soccer)!

In the marriage-obsessed and community-oriented Indian culture, and in a small village, I can only imagine the struggles Geeta’s family went through in taking this unconventional path. 

But Geeta’s father, a wrestler, knew that wrestling boys was the only way for Geeta to train because no other village girls were allowed to wrestle.  Geeta’s mother freed her of household chores so she could focus on wrestling training.  Geeta’s father made his daughters wear boyish clothes and cut their hair short.

People thought he was crazy.

Geeta’s father was risking Geeta’s and her sisters’ economic future by making them, essentially, unmarriageable.  In Geeta’s village, very few women go to college or have jobs, so I assume that most rely on their husband’s families for financial support.

It’s very easy for us to look at Geeta now and praise her parents’ choices.

Wrestler Geeta Phogat lifts a weight as she exercises during a practice session inside the Netaji Subhas National Institute of Sports in Patiala in Punjab May 5, 2012. REUTERS-Ajay Verma
Now that Geeta has made it to the Olympic stage, India is proud.  Where were they when she started her training as a child? Source: http://in.reuters.com/article/2012/05/21/geeta-phogat-wrestler-haryana-olympics-idINDEE84K06620120521

In a country that has very little representation in the Olympics, many in India are rallying around Geeta. In fact, her home state of Haryana gave her a car, even though during her early training it refused to help pay for a proper wrestling mat or offer the family any support.

But during the hard years of training, Geeta’s family had no guarantees of success.  

Geeta trained in a cow pen with no shade from the brutal Indian heat and no temperature-control for the mud floor that got cold at night.

Through all of this, Geeta’s parents had to trust their parenting instincts.  


They were willing to be brave and alone.

When it comes to parenting, there are no guarantees.

We may wear our backs out with babywearing, reasoning that attachment parenting helps children to build better relationships as adults.  We may wear out our car tires driving our kids from lesson to lesson, hoping that these will get them into the best colleges.  But our child could still grow up to have emotional and relationship problems, or decide “college isn’t for me.”

We have to admit, that despite all of our choices, there the unknown looms large in our parenting decisions, because we don’t know what the outcomes of our choices will be.

So it takes both courage and faith to make unpopular parenting choices that we know in our gut are correct.

Another Story of Bravery in Parenting

Another parenting courage story is closer to home for me.  My aunt, who married into a large joint family that all lived together, decided to enroll her kids in English language schools.  Everyone else in the family opposed her because no one in the family spoke English well enough to tutor the kids–and extra tutoring outside of school is crucial for academic success in India.  Still, my aunt put my cousins in English language schools, and that has allowed them to enjoy professional opportunities in the U.S. and Canada. 

Again, in hindsight, she did the right thing.  But at the time, it took a lot of courage for her to go against the entire family in a patriarchal culture to make the parenting decision that she did.

Our Turn
I’d love to hear your tales of parenting bravery.  For me, it has been placing Indian American Toddler in daycare so that I can work full-time.  

I cannot tell you how much resistance I’ve faced from my and Indian American Dad’s families. 

Sometimes the comments are “innocent,” like “How many hours a day does he go to daycare?  Nine?  Wow, at such a young age?”  

Sometimes they are more pointed.  Numerous relatives have offered for us to send Indian American Toddler to stay with them for extended periods so he does not have to stay in daycare.  I’ve been very clear from the beginning.  There. Is. No. Way.  I understand that many other families have had to make this decision, but it is not an option for me.

Then there are the inquiries about how much daycare costs.  And comments about how other moms went to part-time or stopped working while their children were young.  Comments that imply I should think about that too.

The decision to trust a daycare with your child is a difficult one.  Returning to work as a new mom is hard.  You already have the fear and the guilt in leaving your child while you go to work.  So to hear these kinds of comments from family can be very painful.  

But I’ve made a network of mom friends who have their kids in daycare or paid childcare, and we confide in each other about the struggles. 

Surprisingly, the most helpful advice on the subject came from my own mom.  She said to stop seeking others’ approval for my parenting choices.  

And brave parents do just that.   

Please share your stories of parenting bravery in the comments.

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Refresh and Renew – New Year’s Resolutions

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This is the time of year when the naysayers start saying, “I told you so.”  For every person making a new year’s resolution this year, it seemed there was another person pooh poohing resolutions as a whole.

“In 6 weeks, most people forget their resolutions anyway,” they sniffed.

Even so, I say bring on the new year’s resolutions!  The new year means the courage to try something new.  When we try something new, we grow.

A new year and new choices can mean surprising (and sweet) outcomes.

The blank pages in a new year’s calendar beckon to be filled with dreams long held back. 

This year in particular, the new year has energized me with the courage to take more risks. 

Often in my life, when wanting to embark on something new (be it a habit, an activity, or something else) the past would weigh me down, preventing progress.  I’d promise myself to wake up earlier, then dismiss the thought with a tired, “Oh I’ve tried that before.  It didn’t work.”  I know that we’ve all wanted to take risks — to pitch an idea at work or share our poems at spoken word night, for example, only to be stopped by fear and the pain of past failure.

But in the new year, the burdens of the past are wiped away.  Or at least lightened.

One risk I’ve taken this year is to sign up for Toastmasters.  It’s an international speakers club with local chapters that allows members to practice giving speeches, making impromptu remarks, leading meetings, and evaluating others’ speeches.  With practice, I will become a better speaker so that I can present my ideas more convincingly and advance myself personally and professionally.

As Indian American women, we tend to be outspoken in the home but not in public.  At work, we’re all too happy to toil diligently at our desks, hoping that our hard work will be recognized, but reluctant to recount our contributions to our peers or superiors.  This is compounded by our Asian roots.  Asian values tell us that hard work is rewarded and that we should not boast about our own performance.  Instead, we should credit the team, or just be humble.  So we are surprised when we are passed over for a promotion or when someone else is chosen to do a client presentation, despite all of our hard work.  Unfortunately, our tendency to put our heads down and work instead of boldly stating our contributions prevents us from advancing as we should in our personal and professional worlds.

Some would say, but what if you try something new and fail?

In my opinion, that’s a win.  At least you tried.  And maybe now you are one step closer to the goal you envisioned for yourself.  Or you’ve figured out a strategy that will help you nail it the next time.

What are your new year’s resolutions?  Have you kept them?  What risks have you taken or do you plan to take this year?  Do you discuss new year’s resolutions with your kids?  What are their resolutions?

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